:: Ellen Baxt
pages from Analfabeto / An Alphabet
(a section from Analfabeto / An Alphabet is forthcoming from Sona Books.)
A person should drink two liters of water a day. Eu tenho saudade. People should stand behind the yellow line. The city is clean. I have one sister and one brother. I am with hunger. I stay worried. The president won on a three meal a day platform. On TV, O Brasil que come ajudando o Brasil que tem fome with the Brazilian flag as a tablecloth. A yellow-vested waiter serves a diner from a platter, fork and spoon in one hand like tongs. A woman chirps Tudo bem? into her phone. Tudo.
Writing at a stone table on the plaza suddenly there is a circle of children.
Write my name. Write my name. Write my name.
LETICIA
GABRIELA
LUA
LUIZ ANDRÉ
JOÃO VICTOR
Write your name. ELLEN
Say something in English. Say something in Spanish. A dog is chewing an itch. What you write? A flatbed truck carrying petroleum. The museum is closed. The dog leaves. For breakfast I have bolo de laranjeira. At the bookstore café there is a sign, LER OUVIR COMER. Read listen eat. Handsome men are staining the wooden CD racks. Turpentine. I am not so afraid in Niterói. There are houses without doormen and a group of men playing guitar and singing at the small restaurant outside. Guitar is violão. The wind is picking up. A plane lands over the water as the ferry departs. Christine is at her desk in the Palisades plotting Grimano, Italy. The kids stand up and pump their swings. Intermittently, a bell rings. Across the water in the mall they are trying to get rid of the winter clothes. The mannequins wear shirts that say "Liquidação."
::
A buck is passed or it´s nothing to write home about. My brother is on his answering machine announcing that he´s not home, but in Brazil the sound of his voice is home.
The red-faced teenagers watch the billowy gay man approach, then recede. A lateral lift. A full frontal view.
I fall a little in love with the girls who look like me. Or I fall a little in love with the shape of heads, close cropped hair, a neck. I´ll always follow a girl in trousers. In the apartment Anna coos, stupid for the dogs.
::
My right ovary wakes me at 1 am, wanting to discuss yesterday´s lesson, what I'll say in class, and a general critique of how things are going at this particular juncture. Yesterday the esfiha de frango was orange inside. The suco de melão was light and the suco de pêssego was hearty. Because my right ovary is singing and somewhat off-key, I imagine curling over a round object, a predictable pressure against the turmoil.
Dear A,
I miss dressing quietly with you sleeping on the edge of the bed.
I miss your neck.
I miss the shape of your fingernails and the size of your palms.
Inhale. As you exhale, release the muscle around the outside of your hip. Inhale, the back expands and fills. Exhale, the spine lengthens from tailbone out the top of the head. I miss my body.
Phonics means that grapes is not grasps or gasps or grates or graze. When teaching the word lasts, make the sound of cymbals. A compromiso is an appointment; an oficina, garage; sensible, sensitive. The Botanic Garden is 54 hectares. Being unshaven at the beach, I call attention to the act of shaving, though the act of shaving is what I haven´t done. A fruit is fuzzy but an animal is furry. An orange has a rind; a tomato, a skin; a banana, a peel. We eat cucumber seeds but not watermelon seeds. In Hortifruti, cantaloupe is called melão americano. When I write, I think I've made a noise and am surprised to look up into quiet.
::
Anna is not here because her husband is here. She leaves her house because he´s home. She raised her children in the house where she was raised. Casa, house. Casar, to marry. You marry with, not to. Languages are differentiated by their prepositions.
::
In the Northeast, say beleza and joia. Call the woman selling soda your aunt because she is old. Call the person you are arguing with your son, because you still like him even though you are mad. Call everything small and dear. Cafezinho, baixinho, mainha, branquinha. Your ride is your chariot.
Rede is for reclining, fishing and networking. Also for TV or the internet. In Brazil, smoking causes impotence, so on the cigarette package a woman is on the edge of the bed glaring at her husband. In Olinda, a towel dries in five minutes.
There´s a pretty boy with chunky glasses. My toes tan. The redhead and her boys are speaking French or maybe German. Bruno has a hard time believing I don´t kiss men, but later gives me the secret handshake. The painted angel on the panel of the buffet has a pandeiro in each hand. The pen dries up quickly or the airplane sucked the ink. The tourists, sunbathing, examine their bodies.
::
Drivel.
My pen dries.
I write what they say, not what occurs to me naturally, but what they say occurs naturally.
I get sick. The man who loves to lecture everyone is lecturing the maid if she´ll listen. Last night he lectured me on having a cold and drinking cold water, and said I´d never get better. Before that, he lectured me on the importance of drinking at least two liters a day. Then he told me Moses wanted to keep the Kabbalah a secret. It´s why it wasn´t written down. Your people were afraid it would be stolen. He wants to learn it. Mysterious, he says. Earlier, he lectured his wife about her eating habits. The saint of the house cannot make miracles, he said. She was making avocado pudding for dessert and was dedicated in her delight. The sun appears but I can´t go outside because I have a cold and it´s cold outside, though they aren't the same cold. Cristina said the only sickness is heartache, and would ask what´s wrong with my heart, and it´s true, there are things I haven´t said. A weight is heavy by definition. Later he lectured me for using too many tea leaves and not using drops of echinacea. It seems unlikely that I´ll ever be able to leave.
In New York, a blackout crossed several states and went into Canada, like Hands Across America without music. Alec watched people walking down Flatbush Avenue asking, Which way to Long Island? It´s sunny finally but I can´t go outside. The conditional tense refers to the future because the future hasn´t happened yet. My eyes burn.
::
My hair´s getting long. I miss my brother and the red carpeting in the hall. I told them I´m going to stay. Unexpectedly, I found a career.
1. Choose
2. Shoes
1. Batch
2. Badge
1. Pin
2. Pen
In the afternoon, we go to the movies. I buy caramel popcorn in a brown paper bag and she buys pão de coco with crystalized shreds on top. Lisbela e o Prisioneiro is a comedy and sometimes I laugh at the right times. Because she has not traveled she thinks it is only in Brazil that people talk during the movies and complains about the manners of her people. In the dark she puts on her glasses. Later she shows me where to buy shirts and pants and underpants. I blush.
© Ellen Baxt 2004